Rivers of Thought
Life, Leadership, Business & Technology
Divine Coincidence, the term an old friend of mine (thanks Melva) uses to describe those moments in life when the unexpected happens in an otherwise routine day. These might be moments of “small world-ness” (like flying to Paris, taking a train, bus, and taxi to an old castle, walking into the grand hall of the castle, and seeing someone you know from back home), or they might be moments of “serendipity” (like a dear friend buying a cabin and needing furniture at the same time you are downsizing your father’s house), and sometimes, on rare occasions when the universe aligns the stars, they are moments that takes your breath away. This is one such tale.
Blogging is an interesting hobby. You write, you post, you hope your words resonate. I am thrilled when someone “likes” on a post and even more thrilled when they comment on a post. When I meet someone and they mention they read my musings, it touches a chord deep within my soul. (Buck, for someone reason Carly Simon is singing in my head, right now). And then… and then there is this story…
Carmen and I were in the midst of a large remodeling project on our rental house. Her mother and husband were scheduled to move in in a few short weeks. Carmen wanted to give her mom a special surprise…a garden window in the kitchen. She called a couple of local window companies and settled on Faerber’s Bee Windows.
On the day of the appointment, Bee Windows’s representative, a man in his fifties, arrived and introduced himself as Ty Swincher. They walked next to the rental house and now stood in the kitchen (or what used to be the kitchen before it was stripped to the wallboards and subfloor.) Ty re-read his paper work, looked at Carmen and hesitantly asked, “Mrs. Ton, by chance do you know a Jeff Ton?”
Carmen tiring of all the work and the endless stream of contractors, laughed, “You mean the guy that is paying for this? Yes, I know him, he’s my husband. Do you know him?”
Ty put down the paperwork and began to explain.
“A few months ago, we had a horrible mole problem in our yard.”
Carmen is smiling now, still not sure where this is going, but knowing we have been battling those little devils for years. Just the week prior, we had been talking to our friends John and Ruth Vess about “mole eradication techniques”. The maze of tunnels criss-crossing our yard flashed in her mind. She was about to warn him not to get his mole advice from me.
“Well, we seem to have gotten rid of the moles, but then our yard was just a maze of dead grass and humped trails where their tunnels had been. Someone told me the best way to repair the yard was to be sure to evenly water the entire yard. So, I went to Google and began to research sprinklers.”
By now, tears were beginning to form in the corners his eyes. “That was when I came across your husband’s blog about “The Sprinkler Head”. That post changed my life. I made my kids read it. It has changed our relationship. You see, I’ve learned recently that I have skin cancer. I will be going in for another surgery in a few weeks.”
In a flash, memories bombarded Carmen as she remembered the post about that old sprinkler head. Months before, as we packed my dad’s belongings and moved him to an apartment, she had repeatedly told me to be sure and claim some of dad’s tools. I would mumble something about having all the tools I need and then some. I didn’t need anymore tools, I insisted. But, she knew better. Her dad had passed away 22 years ago and she still clings tightly (and occasionally lets me use) the tools of his that she had managed to keep.
She knew my dad would never be able to use them again, and he, himself would be gone from us one day. She knew we would want them. I finally decided she was right. I selected a few things to save, among them was the old sprinkler head. It was the memory of her father and his own battle with cancer that now flooded her mind.
As Ty finished the story of his upcoming cancer surgery, both he and Carmen were now crying.
As they stood in the garage of the rental house, Ty declared, “You know, I couldn’t figure out why they sent me out on this job. I don’t typically make sales calls. I’m one of their most senior Project Managers.” At that moment, they both knew the answer.
A few days later, I had a chance to meet Ty when he delivered the estimate for the window. He thanked me for the post as he retold the story. He and his wife were leaving in a couple weeks for a trip of a lifetime to Belize. His surgery would follow their trip. As we talked, I learned more of his background. Prior to joining Bee Window, he had been a sports reporter and columnist. His column had been syndicated and appeared in papers across the midwest.
I reached out to Ty this week to see how he was doing. Their trip to Belize was a magical as you might imagine, sunrises on the beach, hiking ancient ruins, swimming with nurse sharks and giant sea turtles. But the surgery has had to be postponed until June for a variety of reasons so he is still facing that with a bit of trepidation.
Call it a serendipitous moment, call it a small world moment, or call it a Divine Coincidence, it’s a moment I will remember every time I put pen to paper (or fingers to keys, as the case may be), it is a moment I will never forget. Ty, I am thankful my words touched your life, your story has profoundly impacted mine, thank you for sharing it with Carmen and me!
Connect with Jeff on LinkedIn.
Or Follow Him on Twitter (@jtonindy)
Jeff blogs on a variety of platforms:
- Business related topics: LinkedIn
- IT and the role of the CIO: Intel’s IT Peer Network
- Life, Family, Love, Leadership and History: Rivers of Thought
- Leadership and Leadership Development: People Development Magazine
We’ve come a long way, but, we have a long way to go! April 2017 marks the 47th anniversary of the launch of Earth Day and it’s sister organization Earth Month. In 2008, I launched Rivers of Thought. While it has morphed over the years, it’s original focus was on environmental issues.
Recently, I read back through those original posts. It struck me how many of these issues remain today. Yes, progress has been made, but not near enough. We do, indeed, have a long way to go.
To help commemorate the 47th anniversary of Earth Month and Earth Day, during the month of April, I will be dusting off some of those posts. Each day at noon eastern, I will post one on Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook under the hashtag: #EarthDay2017-RoT. I encourage you to join the conversation, visit an Earth Day celebration near you and get involved.
Jeff
There is an old proverb that states, “Blood is thicker than water.” In modern-day, it has come to mean that family bonds (blood) are stronger than friendships (water). “Love is thicker than blood” was my attempt to state love relationships are even stronger than blood relationships. As is my practice when quoting something, I wanted to ensure I understood its meaning. What I learned in this case (and in many cases, actually) is the quote has been used incorrectly. And, at least in this case, the original meaning is closer to what I want to say in the first place.
Tracing this proverb back to its origins reveals, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Originally meant to convey the blood of battle forms a bond among soldiers that is stronger than family bonds, I like the direction Richard Back took it. In his book, “Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah”, Bach wrote, “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.”
So, by now you are asking, “Jeff, what in the heck are you trying to say? You’ve written 200 words and I still don’t know what you are trying to say.” In Rivers of Thought, I have written a lot about love, I have written a lot about family. Today, I want to celebrate someone whom I mention frequently, but too many times take for granted. Today, I want to celebrate my wife, Carmen.
This is a second marriage for both of us. An only child, without children of her own, she was thrust into the family of Tons. Admittedly, we are not the Rockefellers nor the Kennedys, but we can be a pretty intimidating bunch. But, she opened her home and she opened her heart to all of us.
When I say she opened her home, I mean it literally. In early 2001 Carmen and decided to move in together . . . in her house. Not only did I move in, but so did my 16-year-old son Brad, who lived with me 50% of the time. Even before moving day, she made sure Brad would feel welcome by transforming her guest room into a teenage boy-man room. Admittedly, those first few years were tough. Teenage years are filled with angst enough, throw in a divorce and you get a lot of pent of anger, a good dose aimed at me. Carmen played consoler and referee. Always wary of the “stepmother” line, she danced the tightrope incredibly well.
Early in our marriage, we struggled, and I do mean we struggled, to build a relationship with my parents. Divorce is hard on everyone. My divorce seemed to be particularly hard on my mom and dad. While they labored to come to grips with the new reality (as Brad would say, “This ain’t Leave it to Beaver any more!”), the first to really open her heart to Carmen was my grandmother Granny Ton. Sara. She and Carmen developed a very strong bond in a short time. Granny loved it when Carmen came to visit and chat. Honestly, through Carmen, I was able to get to know my Granny as, well, as Sara. A woman who had lived a life of love and family. I don’t think I would have ever learned of that woman without Carmen. I will treasure the stories she shared with us during her final years and those final days.
As the years passed, our house became the place for holiday gatherings, birthday parties, and celebrations of all kinds. All put on with organization and planning that make them look easy. All with a touch of elegance and grace. (Yes, even with name cards at our plates so everyone knows where to sit!). All were invited and all were welcome. The invitation extended beyond family to friends who were without a place to go. Friends became family, family became friends.
She and my mom became friends…buddies as mom would say. The two of them would chat and carry-on like young school girls. They would go shopping and have “girl time”. As aging began to take its toll on mom’s body, Carmen was there to take her to doctor after doctor. She became her advocate when she couldn’t advocate for herself. She became her voice when she could no longer speak. She truly became mom’s Daughter-in-Love.
In the summer of 2010, we became grandparents, of sorts. Our son, Brad, had moved in with this his girlfriend (our soon-to-be daughter-in-love), Holly. At the time, Holly was a single mom to two awesome kids, Donny age 10, Charity age 8. Before school let out for the year, it became apparent Holly’s plans for the kids were not going to work out. Who stepped forward? Carmen, of course. Of course, she would wrangle the kids all summer. Oh, did I mention, our house was undergoing a major renovation? Construction going on everywhere. No kitchen. . . for about a year! Yet, those kids (and Carmen) had a wonderful summer . . . making tree branch tepees in the yard. . . hunting for “treasure” in the woods and creek. . . climbing trees. . . and, of course, signing their names in the concrete of the new foundation. Today, Charity, now 14 and a freshman in high school, still loves to get off the bus at “Grandma’s house” after school.
A couple of short years later, Jeremy’s son Braxton was born in Owensboro, Kentucky. For many months, our sweet Braxton could not travel to Indianapolis for visits. So, Grandma Carmen and I would travel to see him. They immediately formed their bond. Just a couple of weeks ago, Braxton (oh, and Jeremy, too) were visiting. Carmen, Braxton, and Jordan (more on him in a minute) duckpin bowled together. . . incredible smiles. . . incredible laughter. . . incredible love. Later, Braxton would help Carmen make garlic toast for dinner. Sunday found Carmen and Braxton busy at the kitchen table. Carmen was helping him practice writing in a new “learn to write” book she had bought for him. It was a beautiful scene! And one that melted all of our hearts!
I mentioned Jordan. March 2014 we were again all gathered in a hospital waiting room. Several hours later we were introduced to Jordan, Brad and Holly’s son. Twelve weeks later, when Holly had to return to work, Jordan would come to hang out at Grandma Carmen’s, as his big brother and sister had done. Today, Jordan loves to visit “Meemaw’s House”, and play dinosaurs, or kitchen, or cars. He loves to watch “Meemaw’s deer” in the yard, and ride “Meemaw’s tractor”. Last night, he and I were playing in the small playhouse at our property next door and he couldn’t wait to open the door of the second-floor deck (ok, it’s a pretty big “small” playhouse), stand on the deck, and yell for “meeeeeeeeeeemaw”, “meeeeeeeeeeemaw”!
Over the last few years, she again has taken on the role of caregiver. This time for my dad. As he ages and his dementia worsens, he needs more and more help. Carmen is there to help around his apartment, to take him shopping, to haircuts, to optometrist appointments, and help him to learn his new reality. During the few days I have been writing this post, Dad has been sick with an intestinal bug. Who was there (twice) to help clean him after an accident? Carmen, of course. In many of our private moments, dad expresses deep appreciation and love for Carmen. I know he is thankful to have her care for him.
There is no room in this post to retell all of the stories of my life (our life) with Carmen. Our little clan has grown. Together, we have celebrated life’s most treasured moments. Together, we have held our kids, our grandkids, and yes, our parents in our arms and cried through life’s tougher moments. Carmen is the glue, Carmen is the bond that holds it all together. I know, there is no one I would rather have by my side, there is no one I would rather share laughter with through life’s celebrations, there is no one I would rather share tears with through life’s challenges than Carmen.
She may not know “nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies”, but she does know how to love, care and nurture; she does know how to be a rock in life’s craziness; she knows how to birth a family not based on blood . . . or, the water of the womb. Thank you, Carmen Suzanne, you are loved and treasured more than you will ever know.
Connect with Jeff on LinkedIn.
Or Follow Him on Twitter (@jtonindy)
Jeff blogs on a variety of platforms:
- Business related topics: LinkedIn
- IT and the role of the CIO: Intel’s IT Peer Network
- Life, Family, Love, Leadership and History: Rivers of Thought
- Leadership and Leadership Development: People Development Magazine
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Insights is the weekly, thought-provoking newsletter from Jeffrey S. Ton.
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A different focus each week:
Leadership Thought – A lesson-learned, an insight shared
Leadership Q&A – A response to a reader’s or a connection’s question
Leadership Spotlight – A highlight of a person or company helping others to grow their leadership
Rivers of Thought – A more personal thought, observation or musing
