Rivers of Thought
Life, Leadership, Business & Technology
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colours anymore, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I first met Brandon Tidwell in 2009. My son Brad was launching his Hip Hop career with his first gig at a local dive. Honestly, I didn’t know much about hip hop music or performances. As Brad took the stage, he was joined by his college roommate as his DJ and another guy. I would learn later his name was Brandon Tidwell. His role was that of “Hype Man”. A Hype Man is somewhat of a backup singer. He interjects throughout the song with the intention to hype the crowd and highlight some of the lyrics. (I have to admit, I learned that later, as well).
What I did know was that, in contrast to Brad whose energy exploded on the stage, Brandon barely moved. When he did interject, it was very tentative and hard to hear. This first performance did not bode well for a long career as a Hype Man.
I see a line of cars and they’re all painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby, it just happens everyday
Over the course of the next five years, Brandon grew as a performer. His confidence increased, his stage 
presence blossomed. He was truly living up to his role of Hype Man and friend, even serving as a groomsman in Brad’s wedding to Holly.
Another thing happened over that time. Carmen and I got to know Brandon and his family: wife, Bobbi Jo, son Timmy, and daughter Avari. Brandon was not only Brad’s Hype Man, but he was also one of his best friends. What we saw in Brandon was an incredibly loyal and supportive friend, a man who loves his family and puts them above all, a man with a huge heart.
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and must have it painted black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes
That huge heart belongs to a man who wears his emotions on his sleeve. Brandon loves deeply and he hurts deeply as some of his Facebook posts will show. He is a man that feels emotional pain for himself and for others in his life.
Given the time we all spent together, we knew nothing of his extended family. We were stunned to learn of the death of his mother, Vicky Hensley on September 5, 2015. After being a heavy smoker, her cause of death was listed as COPD. Brandon’s huge heart was broken. His posts revealed his pain to his Facebook world. Her funeral was a simple service and his mother was laid to rest.
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colours anymore, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Barely seven weeks later, Brandon’s father, Mark Hensley, died on October 29, 2015 from his long battle with ALS.
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Thus began Brandon’s journey through the “year of firsts” without both his parents. The pain in his heart was almost unbearable. He tried to hide his tears. For the most part he was successful. He threw himself into coaching Timmy’s baseball team and doting on Avari. Through it he tried to be the best husband he could for Bobbi Jo.
Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, their birthdays…those were tough days. The visits to the cemetery…the pain broke through. Christmas 2016…
…..
In the days that followed Christmas, Bobbi Jo’s father, Tim Marcon came to visit. Never one to sit still, he spent the time helping Brandon by fixing some things around their house while Brandon was at work. He came across an old stereo. It had belonged to Brandon’s dad. It hadn’t worked in years. In fact, it probably hadn’t been played in ten years. Yet, Brandon could not bear to get rid of it.
Tim opened the cover, cleaned it, reconnected some wires and soon had it playing music for the first time in a decade. When Brandon got home from work, his father-in-law encouraged him to give it a try. With a lump in his throat, he pushed the power button. The stereo came to life. He noticed there was a CD in the player. Long forgotten, stuck in the player the it had died. Reaching down, he pushed “Play”…
I see a line of cars and they’re all painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back
The words and music hit him, hit him hard. Now, I don’t know if you believe in such things, but, it may have been dumb luck…a coincidence, or maybe, just maybe, it was his father’s way of telling Brandon he and his mom miss him too. Their hearts are broken that they had to leave so soon.
When Brad relayed the story to me, I knew Brandon had been “painting it black” for over a year. When Mick and Keith were writing of pain, depression and loss five decades ago they were describing exactly the pain, depression and loss Brandon was feeling.
Perhaps what his father’s stereo was trying to tell him was the pain of loss never really goes away. You will always miss those who have left. Don’t let that pain colour your world, don’t let the loss turn your world to black, don’t miss the moments with your beautiful family and your friends. Remember those who have left, share the stories of your memories, make sure Tim and Avari know your mom and dad.
I can hear Brandon now…”I know, I know, but I don’t know HOW”. To answer that, I will turn again to the sages of my generation, Mick and Keith.
From “Waiting on a Friend”
A smile relieves a heart that grieves, remember what I said
I’m not waiting on a lady, I’m just waiting on a friend
I’m just waiting on a friend, just waiting on a friend
I’m just waiting on a friend, I’m just waiting on a friend
And…”Let It Bleed”
Well, we all need someone we can lean on
And if you want it, you can lean on me
Yeah, we all need someone we can lean on
And if you want it, you can lean on me
Brandon, we are are here for you. Together let’s make 2017 a year your parents would be proud of!
Jeff, Carmen, Brad, Holly, Jeremy, Donny, Charity, Braxton & Jordan
Paint It Black
Written by: Keith Richards / Mick Jagger
© Abkco Music, Inc
Waiting on a Friend
Written by: Keith Richards / Mick Jagger
© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, BMG Rights Management US, LLC
Let It Bleed
Written by: Keith Richards / Mick Jagger
© Abkco Music, Inc
Connect with Jeff on LinkedIn.
Or Follow Him on Twitter (@jtonindy)
Jeff blogs on a variety of platforms:
- Business related topics: LinkedIn
- IT and the role of the CIO: Intel’s IT Peer Network
- Life, Family, Love, Leadership and History: Rivers of Thought
- Leadership and Leadership Development: People Development Magazine
(Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)
Rivers of Thought passed a milestone of sorts in November. Eight years ago I launched Rivers of Thought as a platform for blogging and speaking. It started with a whisper (I love that song by the Neon Trees, don’t you?) but has grown to so much more!
Eight Years of Blogging
Welcome to Rivers of Thought!
In this space you will find my musings about sustainable business practices, sustainable lifestyles and general observations about business, life and the world around us. For those that know me, you will not be surprised when I throw in the random Lewis and Clark story, or perhaps overuse a river analogy to make a point. I hope you find the postings interesting, worthy of comment and that they will stimulate some helpful dialog.
That was it, my very first post on November 26, 2008. I created Rivers of Thought when I started my sustainability consulting firm, Confluence Dynamics. I was new to using social media, heck, everyone was new to social media in 2008. My plan was to use it as a platform to promote the business. After a couple years, I made the decision to close the business (I preferred a paycheck over starving) Rivers of Thought was put on ice.
Fast forward a few more years. I was CIO for Goodwill Industries of Central Indiana. I held a firm belief that CIOs need to embrace Social Media. Not knowing exactly how to start, but wanting to be seen as a thought leader, I reached out to Rachel Nelson. Rachel was our Online Marketing Manager and social media guru. With her help Rivers of Thought was resurrected, given a facelift, and re-launched.
I now write for a variety of platforms in addition to Rivers of Thought. What started out as a blog about 
sustainability and environmental causes has morphed into a channel for stories about family, life, love and music. Some of the posts will make you chuckle, some will bring a tear. I hope in some small way, they generate reflection on your own life and loves.
On the Intel IT Peer Network, I focus on the role of the CIO and it’s continuing evolution. I am in the midst of my third series on that platform. “The Path to CIO: Profiles in Leadership” is a series of interviews with CIOs from around the world and in a variety of industries. The focus is on the steps they took to reach the office of CIO, while at the same time providing insights and advice to others on the path.
As a contributing author for People Development Magazine out of the UK, I write about leadership and staff development. My series, “The Roosevelt River: Lessons in Leadership from Theodore Roosevelt”, originally posted on Rivers of Thought was republished in People Development which greatly expanded its readership. In fact, the post “Blue Bloods’ Frank Reagan Paddles the Roosevelt River” remains my widest read post of the past eight years.
When LinkedIn launched its blog platform, I was among the first ones asked to be a contributor. On LinkedIn, I write about general interest business topics such as vendor management or collaboration. Among my most popular posts were “D’ya Want Fries with That?” and “You Want to Sell Me What?”.
During 2016, I was accepted into the Forbes Technology Council providing access to publishing on Forbes.com. Thus far, two of my posts have appeared on Forbes. On this platform, I write about technology trends and how they impact business.
Most recently, I was nominated to be a Fellow for the Institute for Digital Transformation. The Institute is a non-profit organization whose mission is to train IT leaders to help their companies grow and thrive in the digital economy. As a Fellow, I will be writing on a variety of topics under the Digital Transformation umbrella.
Through these various outlets I have been able to meet and interact with some incredibly talented people. Their willingness to share their insights and thoughts has been vital to my continued growth and learning…Chris Peters, Charlie Araujo, Isaac Sacolick, Will Lassalle, Christina Lattimer, E.G. Nadhan, and many, many more…I can’t thank you enough!
Eight Years of Speaking
At the same time I launched Rivers of Thought, I started down a parallel path (or stream) of public speaking. I had always been petrified of getting in front of people and talking. However, I knew to achieve my career goals, I would need to get over it and “put myself out there”. I had experience teaching college and professional level classes in computer programming, computer science and green building techniques, but somehow public speaking was different in my mind.
My “big break” came, when my mother-in-law, Judy Hollander became the District Governor for Rotary International in our area. She invited me to speak at their local chapter in Attica, Indiana. She even requested my favorite subject…Lewis and Clark. So, with that I began to develop a talk (with a LOT of help from my wife Carmen) on our adventures along the Lewis and Clark Trail. Aptly titled, “The Lewis and Clark Will Never Die Tour” it chronicles our trips to mark the 200th anniversary of their exploration.
You might say my public speaking also started with a whisper…I rehearsed a million times…until I was almost hoarse! Over the course of the next couple of years, I presented the same talk to dozens of Rotary Groups across Indiana. Several even asked me back, so I wrote part two, covering our trips to visit Lewis and Clark sites from their return trip back to St. Louis.
During that time, I was asked to speak at a corporate annual meeting for a local company. They wanted the them to be around leadership and creating an environment of transparency and candor. So…I developed “Everything I Learned About Leadership…I Learned from Lewis and Clark”, an exploration into leadership using the expedition as a backdrop. Hey! Go with what you know, right?!!?
Over the last eight years, I have spoken to a wide variety of groups on topics including Lewis and Clark, leadership, Information Technology, the role of the CIO and Innovation.
These groups have ranged in size from a half a dozen to almost a thousand. And. Yes. I. Still. Get. Nervous. But, instead of dwelling on it, I am able to be energized by it and the audience and channel that energy into the talk.
While I can remember each and every talk, there are three that really stick out in my mind. The first was at the annual convention for Mended Little Hearts. a non-profit, volunteer-led program providing hope and support to children, patients and families affected by congenital heart disease. Leading up to the keynote, I was able to meet and talk with many of the members of the organization. I was struck by their passion, their dedication and their caring for each other and their mission. I truly believe I took away more from the experience than they did.
The second was a graduation ceremony for the Excel Center in Anderson, Indiana. As an executive of Goodwill Industries of Central Indiana, I was asked to speak on behalf of Goodwill at the commencement (Goodwill is the owner and operator of the Excel Centers, high schools for adults who had dropped out of school, but want to come back and earn their diploma). I struggled with what I could say that could have an impact. I finally realized this day was about them and their families. My talk was brief. I thanked them for allowing me to share that day with them, I thanked their families for supporting their efforts, and I thanked the faculty for their dedication to the mission. You can read my thoughts and the transcript of my talk from that day in the post “56 Stories, 56 Graduates, 1 Amazing Night!” Their stories were indeed the stories of the day. Again, I took away more from the experience than they did from my words.
The third and most recent was at another graduation ceremony. This one was for Eleven Fifty Academy. Their mission is to help close the nation’s growing technology skills gap through its mission of creating an ecosystem of coding talent that benefits the individual, their employer, and their community. Students range in age from teen to mid-life and beyond. My role was to tell my story, provide my thoughts on technology careers and then do a bit of Q&A. What an amazing group of students! I had some time over coffee to speak with several of them and learn their stories. Some are just starting their careers, others are re-inventing themselves for a second or third career. All incredibly inspiring. And yes, I think I took away more from the experience than they did!
Final Reflections
You’re getting the idea by now. What I love about blogging, what I love about speaking, is the interaction, the sharing of insights, the learning I am able to participate in through those pursuits. The people I have met (virtually and in person) have made my life richer, and they continue to shape my thinking. I am looking forward to listening, reading, learning and growing through the next eight years of writing and speaking.
I would love to hear from you. What’s on your mind? What’s on your heart?
Connect with me on LinkedIn.
Or Follow me on Twitter (@jtonindy)
Find my posts on a variety of platforms:
- Business related topics: LinkedIn
- IT and the role of the CIO: Intel’s IT Peer Network
- Life, Family, Love, Leadership and History: Rivers of Thought
- Leadership and Leadership Development: People Development Magazine
July 9, 2014. My day as a Chicago Cub. Yes, two years ago…and I am just now writing about it. Proving once again, I am not above jumping on a bandwagon or leveraging current events to get a few more views on my blog! But, yes, July 9, 2014, the day I became a Chicago Cub and a fan forever.
I almost didn’t go. When the opportunity presented itself, I almost didn’t go. I was too busy. Couldn’t take the time off work. I stopped following baseball in a decade that started with a “7”. Was never really a Cubs fan, Tigers, yes (thanks to the Honorable Jeff Edens), Reds, absolutely, the Big Red Machine, but those lovable losers from Chicago, not really.
But there I was, on a bus with 59 other middle-aged wanna-be players, riding across Chicago to the hallowed grounds of Wrigley Field. I was doing this for the history of it, I told myself. I love old ballparks, Fenway, Yankee, Wrigley. The magnitude of the stories inside those confines is overwhelming. All that was about to change as we pulled up at 1060 W. Addison, home of the Chicago Cubs (and Elwood Blues).
As we filed off the bus, signed our waivers (hey, playing baseball is a dangerous activity), and made our way through the concourse to the United Club, no one spoke. I think we were all listening to 100 years of voices. Most of us had been here before. We’d all taken in a game. But now, instead of the elbow to elbow crowds, the place was virtually empty. The sights and sounds of gameday after gameday echoed through the concrete and steel pillars.
After gathering in the United Club and hearing our final instructions, we were escorted to the locker room. There we found full uniforms, complete with our name on the back and our chosen number. I had chosen the number 7, in honor of Rick Monday. Monday spent 19 years in the majors, four of which were with the Cubs. He was best known for stopping a fan from burning the American Flag in centerfield of Dodger Stadium during the Bicentennial.
I think it was that moment. The moment I put on the jersey and the pants, the moment I put on the cap. At that moment, I became a Chicago Cubs fan. When we were dressed, we wound our way through the back hallways to the press room. It was time to sign my contract and be interviewed by the press. Flashbulbs popped, dozens of reporters clamored for a word, just a soundbite. “Ton, how does it feel to be a Chicago Cub?” My name lit up the marquee outside the park. “I’m honored to play with such a great group of guys, in such a great city, with such tremendous fans. We ARE going to bring a pennant to this city!”, I said confidently, trying to use every baseball cliche in one sentence.
After the interview, I again wound my way through the back halls under the stands, past the urinal, to the…what? The urinal? Yup, the urinal! Who knew, just a few feet from the dugout, just around a corner to protect it from view was a urinal. Guess, when you gotta go, you gotta go, no time to go all the way to the locker room. Didn’t your mother tell you to go BEFORE the game? (Ok, there is a story here of a small Little Leaguer, standing in right field, dare I say, dancing in right field. Coach wouldn’t let him go to the restroom. Dark spot in those baseball pants growing larger and larger by the pitch. Don’t know who that kid was, but my mom loved to tell that story.) Anyway, I digress, I proceeded past the urinal and into the dugout.
Moments later, I climbed the three steps and stepped out onto Wrigley Field. Holy crap! I was standing on Wrigley Field, in a full Cubs uniform. Yes, the stands were empty, but the scoreboard was lit up, the flag was flying, it was GAMEDAY. We began to loosen up in the outfield by playing catch. Soon, we were joined by the training staff of the Cubs. They led us in some calisthenics. Let me tell you this…my muscles have not moved in those directions in many, many years!
After nearly killing us with stretching, we divided into three groups and worked our way through three pre-game stations. First there was the batting cage at home plate. Our hitting coach, Billy Williams, worked to perfect our swings. Did you hear that? Our hitting coach, Hall of Famer, Billy freakin’ Williams! We each got several rips (see, I am already talking like a big leaguer) at the ball. No, the rumors are not true, I did not hit it out of the park, but I did hit it out of the infield!
Our next stop was the batting cage under the right field stands. Who knew THAT was there! Here we had more time to practice our homerun swing!
The final stop, was in centerfield. Ferguson Jenkins (uh, yes, THAT Ferguson Jenkins) was there to coach us on the art of running down fly balls and (hopefully) catching them. I was stunned at how high a high fly ball actually flew! By the time, it drops from its apex, it is screaming down at you! For the record, yes, I did catch them!
While we were warming up, fans began to stream into the ballpark. Well, I guess it was more like a trickle. Each player was allowed to invite a handful of friends and family to watch to fierce competition. My fan club consisted of my wife Carmen, and our friend Nick Mackovich (though I think he was really there for the free beer and hot dogs!).
We were divided into four teams. Two teams would play a five inning game, with the winning teams duking it out in a seven inning game for the championship (the two losing teams would play another five inning game for 3rd place).
Soon the booming, slurring voice of Harry Caray came blared on the public address system. Ok, it wasn’t REALLY Harry Caray, but it was a GREAT impersonator, complete with a case of beer. The lineups were announced, all four teams lining the first and third baselines for the National Anthem. What an awesome moment!
Finally, Harry yelled “Play ball!”
In my first at-bat, I lined the first pitch over the shortstop’s outstretched glove for a single. As I dashed down the first baseline (I have very deceptive speed…I am much slower than I look), I felt it. That nerve shattering, tear inducing, flash of pain that comes when you pull a hamstring. (I should mention here that my stellar softball career came to an end about a decade before with not one, but two torn hamstrings). Not wanting my day to end so quickly, I decide to “man up” and play through the pain. I think Carmen and Nick were the only ones that knew something was wrong.
I took my lead off of first and prayed the next three batters would strikeout to end the inning so I would not have to run. But, the baseball gods would have none of that! Crack, the very next pitch was lined to right field. I barely made it to second in front of the throw. My right leg now screaming at me to stop, but I wouldn’t listen. With the crack of the bat I was off to third. As I stood on third, Billy Williams (yes, the Hall of Famer Billy Williams) our Third Base Coach, yells out, “Hey, Number 7, you ignore your base coaches or what?” Uh, evidently, he had been waving me home the entire time I ran from second to third. I could only muster a “no wheels, Billy, no wheels” and continue to grit my teeth.
Our next batter ripped a double and I easily trotted home. Single, run scored, pulled hamstring…great first at bat, but it was cool to see my batting average the next time up as 1.000. My team ended up winning the game and moving on to the championship. I honestly don’t remember now if we won that game or not. Must have been the pain in my leg…or maybe it was the free beer! I ended up 3 for 5 on the day, .600, I think I will call it a career!
After the games, the fans left the park and we returned to the locker room to change before dinner in the United Club. There were notes in our lockers. The uniforms were ours to keep, courtesy of the sponsors and the Chicago Cubs. At dinner, they played a video montage of our outstanding day. As we left to board the buses, they handed us a framed picture of our contract signing and a Louisville Slugger autographed with our own names!
Field of Dreams? Yes, absolutely! Unforgettable day? Without a doubt! Fan of the Chicago Cubs? An emphatic, of course! So, yes. I am jumping on the bandwagon, I am rooting for the Cubbies to take it all. I will forever root for the Cubs and revere Wrigley Field…it’s actually in my contract!
Connect with Jeff on LinkedIn.
Or Follow Him on Twitter (@jtonindy)
Jeff blogs on a variety of platforms:
- Business related topics: LinkedIn
- IT and the role of the CIO: Intel’s IT Peer Network
- Life, Family, Love, Leadership and History: Rivers of Thought
- Leadership and Leadership Development: People Development Magazine
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Insights is the weekly, thought-provoking newsletter from Jeffrey S. Ton.
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Leadership Thought – A lesson-learned, an insight shared
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